I've been wrapped up in self consciousness lately. I see it come out when I weigh myself too often, or when I assume people are thinking certain things about me, when I become defensive, or when I mentally list things I would change about myself.
All this bubbles up after one reoccurring thought:
I am not enough.
I'm not smart enough, productive enough, fit enough, pretty enough, witty enough, the list goes on.
The feeling of not enough gets projected into everyday life. It feels like a hollow wind on the inside, and comes out as a tornado. I'm a people pleaser. Yesterday I was scared of disappointing someone, and it came out in a protective discouragement to one of their ideas, so I could even the score.
I struggle to stay on top of things and to do my job well. A student questioned why I had forgotten something, it hit a nerve and I reacted in a way the innocent question didn't deserve.
I fear connections. I believe people will like me until they find out they don't, and think it's probably better to steer clear than to risk that kind of personal rejection.
In all these situations, across the board, I make the images of my own weaknesses so real in my head that I feel they're coming back at me. My insecurities handcraft hurtful jabs out of something without underlying intentions.
I know then, that I've been consumed by 'not enough'
After weeks of feeling smaller and smaller, swatting and missing the sky-high expectations, I realized that all these gold-plated versions of myself are fabricated in no other place than my own mind.
And something I know to be true, and that my Dad has drilled into my head is, whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right.
So, in this instance, whether I think I'm worthy, or I think I'm a screw-up and a miserable cow, I'm right. Because who else gets to decide I'm worthy other than myself? What is worthiness other than a loving self image?
I remind myself that I was designed to be exactly me. The people in my life that love me, love me because of my quirks and humanisms, not despite them. And all I ever need is courage and kindness, not a pile of other traits I convinced myself were pre-requisites for a 'perfect person'.
I have everything I'll ever need. The goal is not to be perfect, but to be whole, be genuine, be authentic.
Yeah, maybe I'm not committed enough, or creative enough, or a million other things. But you know what? I'm Paige enough, you're you enough, and we're pretty darn weird and wonderful, hand crafted to be boldly ourselves.
We're all well equipped with tools belts full of incredible things, still untouched and only ours. Let's keep our hands off of reaching from everyone else's, and put those to good use.